Wedding Bells for Evil
by Purple Fuzzi Wumps
Summary: Wedding Bells ring as a Death Eater and a warrior of the Light are wed to end the war, and allow the ascension of the Dark Lord Voldemuffin. A jealous ex, questionable taste in men, and love potions. HPSS Satire HPHP implied


_The Rise of the Dark Lord... and the Fall_

**One-shot**

**"Your heart is my piñata."**

**Chuck Palahniuk**

It was a particularly bright summers day, with a sight breeze ruffling the pink décor (mainly of withered roses amongst other things) when a crowd of rather grumpy looking people sat in rows of nine before an altar, all bathed in sunlight.

Replaced by a sweet smelling garden, the withered roses gave off a dank and repugnant scent, only making the audiences discomfort level grow. It was an uneasy peace between the oddly separated crowd. The right side, clothed in bright colours, seemed to be more angry and annoyed to be stuck through such a disgusting scene, than enjoying the summers day.

The other side, on the other hand, all wore the finest silk robes and the latest in wizard and witch wear, each looking more bored than the person before them. They all wanted nothing more than to leave this horrid place and do something much less excruciating. Like poking their eyes out with a shish kabob stick.

The classical music that spilled from the piano was stitched with broken keys and off tune notes every couple seconds. The harp player was tugging at the thin strings with annoyance, him, at this wretched site! Oh how awful! Then, below a flower entangled arch, came the groom, running to the altar and whispering a few words to the priest hurriedly.

The slits that the priest had for eyes seemed to falter for a moment, before they seemed to panic. This wedding just had to continue! The pale, snake like being whispered back to the pink clad groom for a moment, before addressing the foul tempered crowd.

"My," He gulped, trying to sound genuine, "Friends, our other half seems to be panicking. Completely struck with terror I'm afraid. No matter, we shall begin after a few minutes, sorry for the delay"

And with that he rubbed his temples, being a dark lord was such hard work.

The brightly clad half twitched nervously, whispering amongst them selves. This marriage was a political one they knew, but the priest was an entirely different matter! Seeing him of all people... well, most had never seen him in person. The groom didn't seem to mind though, he seemed rather proud of who the priest was... then again, many questioned the sanity of an eighteen year old wizard wearing a frilly pink dress to his own wedding, or out in public for that matter.

The more snazzily dressed group, by contrast, just rolled their eyes at the lad. Their representative was head over heels for the odd one, so they really couldn't protest. The priest was anticipating the event especially. How could he help it? This would help the cause quite a lot, give a new face to it.

The groom rushed up again, apparently just having conversed with those dressing the bride, and the priest gave a sigh of relief. The groom stood to the side and beckoned the piano and harp to play the previously prepared tune… The chords for "Hot hot cauldron of love" left the assembled aghast.

Within a short matter of minutes, the bride had been dressed (and calmed down for that matter) and was on the way to the altar. The veil hid the bride's face (which most thought to be quite repulsing) and flowed behind the body it was attached to, fluttering in the light breezes.

The gown the bride wore was a large one and slimming around the middle. It seemed that just above the hips, it had exploded into a rather large puff of snowy white. The tune that accompanied the long stride down the aisle just seemed to drag the seconds on, only making the crowd even more restless.

The young boy ruffled his hair nervously. This was it! The day he'd been waiting for since he'd met his future wife. He waited as the bride-to-be was led down the aisle by his soon-to-be father-in-law. The proceedings were slow, as all traditional weddings were. Some would have thought that a wedding in the middle of war times would be odd, even a political wedding to end it… but they didn't care. They were in love.

His heart beat rapidly as the bride was handed off, silky smooth glove gliding into his hand. He longed to kiss the hand beneath, or the cheek, forehead… lips hidden behind the veil. He didn't like the veil, his bride's face made invisible by it, but it was tradition. Their lips would meet in mere minutes, and they would be married.

The priest, pleased with the couple, slowly began to read from the bible. His smirk would not fade for the next month or so, when the couple divorced and everything would be back into its proper place, of course, he would just happen to own, well, much more than he currently did.

So he read, picking up his pace steadily, not meaning too, of course, it was just his excitement. He had been known as a man of a fairly patient nature, but this was just too much. The couple, both rather anxious to finish the glorious (well, to them it was glorious, the audience wouldn't hesitate to disagree) ceremony and be whisked away in each others arms to an island paradise where they would spend their two week honeymoon.

The bride, now tearing up, was not at all upset in the least compared to a rather tomato faced red head sitting in the front. Her eyes flared with anger as she plotted against the couple. Her arms folded across her chest, as if it were a 'bug me and I'll bite your head off' sign. She glared daggers at the white-gowned bride, rather venomous daggers. In fact, these daggers, had they not been imaginary, would have destroyed the bride in a matter of five milliseconds before being flung into the heart of the priest... if he actually had one. She didn't know.

Another minute passed and the priest, equally unaware of the covetous red-head as she of his heart-status, raised the great inquiry of the day. "Do you, Harry James Potter, take this," He paused for a moment, nearly shivering with fright as if he'd have nightmares for the next century, "to be your lawfully wedded wife, through sickness and in health, for wealthier or poorer, until death do you part?"

"I do," Replied the excited youth, his pink dress poofing out as he refrained from hopping for joy. Surely, there was no better moment than this.

"And do you, Severus Tobias Snape, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, through sickness and in health, for wealthier or poorer, until death do you part?" He looked this time to the hook-nosed bride as he smiled from behind the white veil.

"I do," Severus replied, a breathy tone in place. Mere seconds away from the placing of rings, the brushing of lips, the romantic retreat to Hawaii... He could melt.

The priest, now with a rather malicious grin in place, was looking directly at the groom as he snapped his bible shut. "You are now, husband and wife." Then, muttering about his disgust for the whole ceremony (and using that blasted muggle book), the priest slipped into the well dressed crowd.

Meanwhile, up at the Alter, Harry and Snape shared the sealing kiss, disgusting many people.

"This is bloody rubbish," The red head objected. A little too late, though. "What is wrong with you idiots! Look at this," She pointed at the couple. At this, two red headed twins, much resembling the girl, stood up and carried her off, while she was screaming.

Harry just rolled his eyes at his rather moody ex-girlfriend. How childish and stupid she could be. Rubbish? HAH! They were in love! Him and Snape. "Ignore her, Severus," She said, waving the little mishap off. "Shall we all head to the reception? The chapel is awaiting our arrival."

Harry took the hand of his beloved Severus, an... it that no one had ever imagined bearing the name Potter. They strode, wrapped in each other's arms to the chapel, gazing at the decor of the old place of worship. Stained glass windows depicted Voldemort and his glory, tapestries showed the great Founders of Hogwarts, and the flowers were dead lilies. The perfect decorations for the pair's glorious day.

The red head, still restrained by her twin brothers, was dragged to a small corner near the great table for the couple and their families. She glowered as Snape's family took up one side and her own took the other... minus her of course. She couldn't be trusted near Harry. She wasn't allowed.

"A toast!" Proclaimed the best man, Draco Malfoy, with his arm around a bride's maid, none other than Hermione Granger. Both held champagne aloft as they stood from their small table near Harry and Severus'. "To the couple of the hour! May world conquest befit your arrangements!" A great cheer rose from everyone but the brightly clothed witches and wizards, Harry and Hermione being the only exceptions as they lifted their glasses to the toasts as well. Love did strange things to a person, it even allowed them to step aside as the Dark Lord took power. Oh well.

"Gin," Here the red-head's brother whispered in her ear, "Relax, will ya? This should be a time of peace." The red head snorted as a rather thin boy with dark brown hair and bright blue eyes asked her to dance. Her brother nudged her in the back, and deciding it was better than sitting with her insufferable siblings, took the boys head and walked to the dance floor.

She wanted nothing more than to smash a bottle of wine over the bride's head, and make sure there was blood involved.

How could Harry be so foolish? What an idiot- wait? What was this? The pair was leaving the dance floor and back to their seats. A rather confused look crossed Snape before Harry stuck a drink into his hand hastily. Snape took a sip and the dreamy, happy look that he had at the wedding adorned his face once more.

Ginevra Weasley was not one to be fooled, so she gazed curiously at Harry who went to slip a rather small, shiny object into his pocket, not noticing that it missed his jacket and toppled to the floor. The item in question glinted as it hit the light awkwardly, giving Ginny a good idea as to where it was.

She didn't want anyone to step on it, not that many people were dancing anyway, so she dashed over, as quick as her heels could manage, and picked it up. It was a vial, no bigger that her middle finger.

Having taken Potions in her sixth year, Ginny knew exactly what it was. Amortentia. But why would Harry use this potion on Snape of all people? The man was twice Harry's age, a complete bore, and yet her ex-boyfriend was using an illegal love potion on the man... what was going on?

The dance floor was bustling with activity as a Weird Sister's song came on, "Love Potion Lust". Severus giggled as Harry twirled... it. They were both singing along lightly, but Harry seemed a bit nervous. Of course he would be: they were married now!

"Love is sacred, love is pure," Harry was singing, "but does a potion change? I slip in your glass, and you hardly know my name. Inhibitions, exhibitions, lust is all we know. But for one day at the least, our love is not a show..."

"... Amortentia says you don't, but my heart says you do," Severus continued with a smile and giggle, "to visit our own land of love, I know you want to..."

"So they say it is a lie, and I'll admit they're right," Harry continued, looking a little hot around the collar, "but our love is so right, now I've cast my spell on you…"

The music came to an abrupt stop.

Everyone looked to the stage in confusion. Ginny took this distraction to pull Harry beneath the long table and thrust the vile under his nose. "What is this?" She hissed.

"It's called a potion vial," Harry answered sarcastically, trying to get back up.

Ginny yanked him back into his spot, "I know that, but why was Amortentia in it?"

Harry shrugged and once again tried to get up, but no avail. "You drugged him," She snarled.

Harry finally managed to glare at Ginny and get out from under the table. Ginny, angry and ready to murder Severus and Harry, stood up and ducked out from her hiding space, brushing herself off.

She had to think fast, she was going to expose Harry.

She walked over to the stage, a little too late because the weird sisters sung again, so instead, she grabbed Harry by the back of the head, and did what nobody expected her to do.

Among the list of things one might think she would do were 1) kiss him, 2) slap him, 3) shag him silly. As previously stated, she did none of these things.

Instead, she pulled the vial from her pocket and dumped what remained of its contents down the throat of the boy who lived. The effect was instantaneous as he went stock still and started twitching. This was to be expected. It's rather hard to be irrevocably in love with one's self after all.

"What are you doing to my husband?!" Severus shouted furiously. It stalked over to Ginny, took the vial, sniffed, and blanched. "Amortentia?! You harlot! Keep your hands off of him or I swear I will-"

"I love me," Harry said happily. He hugged himself right there. "I'm sorry Sevvy, but I just saw the light. I'm too good for you! In fact, the only person good enough for me is, well, me!"

He did a pirouette to demonstrate his wonderfulness and tripped. In a moment he was laying on the floor trying to snog himself. To any watching, the scene was... awkward.

Severus, trying to regain himself, looked down at his husband who had just... left him. "Wait," The potions master looked at Ginny who was smirking uncontrollably. "It was for him?"

Ginny smiled, "Yep." Everyone around broke into harsh whispers and loud giggles.

Severs began to move his mouth, as if trying to say something, but being unsuccessful. "But, I- how…" Ginny just snorted and walked off, she needed a drink.

Meanwhile, Ginny's family was trying to escort Potter out of the chapel, hoping that the potion wouldn't last too long, then again, if it kept him from Snape, maybe it should be permanent.

Ginny finished off her glass before something heavy hit her on the arm. "He wouldn't have used it! And now look what you did to my poor baby!" Damn, it was Snape.

"For a potions master, you're pretty lax about letting him give you drinks," Ginny sighed. "When did you fall for him?"

"When he was in first year..." Snape muttered pitifully. He had been in love with Harry even when he was three times the boy's age! Pedophile. This proclamation gave Ginny pause.

"Um... really?" She furrowed her brow. If Snape had always loved Harry...what in the name of Merlin's inferiusified corpse was going on?! Ginny leant on the table, her eyes cast downward at the marble floor. "Wait, so, that means, the potion had little effect on you, and all it made you do, was admit it. Hell, he could've just given you a simple truth serum."

Severus blinked, then blushed. "Well..."

Of course, as in all stories, the big statement is interrupted by an even bigger statement. Lord Voldemort, ordained minister of some sect of one evil religion or another, ran in, panicked. He jumped between the apparently homosexual potions master and his ex-pupil. "Severus! It's terrible!"

"I know! My Harr Bear left me for himself! Oh the irony! Oh the malcontent which issues from me in waves!" Had Snape not been a prominent member of the Death Eaters already, he might have been inclined to start an emo band comparable to Good Charlotte, probably named something like "the deepest pits of my shattered soul" or some such. This would, admittedly, be more terrifying than anything Voldemort could ever do.

"It's worse! That was the permanent Amortentia that you gave him! Now he's going to be torn between loving himself forever and loving you! We need to get him to break up with himself!" Minister Riddle proclaimed... rather loudly too. Anyone who hadn't left the building now knew that Severus had used a love potion on Harry too.

"Wait, they BOTH used Amortentia?!" Ginny blinked.

And that was how Voldemort came to be defeated: he was eaten by the Weasley's as revenge for using Amortentia and wanting to break his heart eternally.

The End.

**Okay... so this was written by my friend Tori and I, but it never got posted. Jen lives in BC, so sorry about differences like "color" and "colour", because as a US citizen, I do not write like that. I conserve my U's.**

**Um... I decided to post it, basically it was inspired by a crack idea I gave over MSN, and it snowballed.**

**Moral of the story? Never chat on MSN while eating pixxy stix...**


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